Lippard.Multics 1986-11-11 18:14:24 mst Tue Subject: Real Programmers Date: Monday, 10 November 1986 11:54 mst From: Barry Margolin To: {mbx >udd>m>jjl>misc>misc} From: spe@cad.cs.cmu.edu (Sean Engelson) Organization: Carnegie-Mellon University, CS/RI Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Real Programmers Real Programmers Don't Write Specs Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get. Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. Real Programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how to SPELL quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food. Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night. Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12. Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck. Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. Real programmers never make up schedules. Only planners make up schedules. Only managers read them. Real programmers never deliver programs on schedule. Either the program is "done" in two days or it is never finished. In any case, it is never delivered when it was scheduled. Real programmers never eat at restaurants. If the vending machine sells it they eat it. If it doesn't, they don't. Recently real programmers discovered that popcorn was being sold in vending machines. Common coders discovered that it could be popped in the microwave oven in the vending-machine room but real programmers use the heat escaping from the top of the CPU. Real programmers never deliver programs on Wednesdays. Real programmers never deliver programs on the first day of any month. Real programmers know that good human factors design requires only the application of common sense. Besides, no one cares about users. The program's written for aesthetic beauty. Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction and they use them all in every program. Real programmers do not clear registers twice before using them. In fact, if you annoy a real programmer, he/she won't clear the registers at all. And that goes for your memory too! Real programmers do not wonder where the bits went following a shift operation. They do not care. Real programmers are not in it for the money. Most of them are secret millionaires. -- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sean Philip Engelson Carnegie-Mellon University Computer Science Department ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ARPA: spe@cad.cs.cmu.edu UUCP: {harvard | seismo | ucbvax}!cad.cs.cmu.edu!spe ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: Nothing in the above article has the slightest relationship to reality. If any reality correspondences are found, please notify me IMMEDIATELY. ----------------------------------------------------------------------