Lippard.Multics 1985-11-26 16:36:25 mst Tue
Subject:  Dave Barry on Insect Fitness
Date:  Tuesday, 26 November 1985 09:39 mst
From:  Charlie Spitzer <Spitzer>
To:  {mbx >udd>m>jjl>misc>misc}

          How Insects Stay Fit

   We can learn a great deal about fitness from observing insects.  You
have probably noticed, for example, that most ants are in excellent
shape.  You almost never see a fat ant.  What makes this especially
interesting is that ants are always lugging around disgusting junk food,
such as discarded Cracker Jacks many times the ants' own size.

   So how do ants stay fit?  The answer is surprisingly simple: they
have no mouths.  And this is a good thing, really, because it means they
can't scream when you spray them with Raid, although they do their best
to writhe around in a piteous manner.

   So anyway, what we have, in the ant, is a creature that engages in
strenuous physical exercise all day long and never eats anything.  This
is Nature's Way to fitness, and we should emulate it if we wish to have
the kind of taut, firm bodies that make ants the envy of the insect
kingdom.  Of course, we must always weigh this against the fact that
they have a life span of maybe six weeks and are subject to attack by
vicious beetles.

          So the Bottom Line is...

   ...now is the time to start that fitness program!  Fitness is more
than just another new "craze", like flavored popcorn, or parenthood.
Fitness is a way of life, a revolutionary new concept in personhood,
and, ultimately, a way for people like me to become wealthy via the
sales of fitness-related items such as this book.

   But people like me can do only so much.  We can take your money.
After that, it's up to you.  If you don't follow the diet and exercise
program outlined in this book, it won't do you a bit of good.  Even if
you do follow it, it may not do you any good.  Nobody knows what will
happen.  You'll be the first person who ever actually tried this
program.  I meant to try it myself, before the book got published, but I
had to buy snow tires.  So maybe it would be a good idea to have a
friend try it first, as a sort of test, and watch to see whether he
actually does become fit, or starts lapsing into lengthy comas or
something.

   Well, that's enough for a pep talk.  Let's square our shoulders and
take that first step toward Becoming a Fitter You.  Those of you who are
unable to simultaneously square your shoulders and take a step may do
them one at a time.

Excerpted from Dave Barry's "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
without permission from the publisher, or author, or nothing.  Nyah!