Lippard.Multics 1985-11-12 13:44:27 mst Tue
Subject:  Dave Barry on Deer Hunting
Date:  Tuesday, 12 November 1985 12:27 mst
From:  Charlie Spitzer <Spitzer>
To:  {mbx >udd>m>jjl>misc>misc}

                            A Hunting we will go,
                        Look out for antlers and snakes
                               By Dave Barry
                      [From the Cheyenne Edition 11/16/84]

Rest easy, hunters:  This is not one of those namby-pamby, sob-sister
ecology-nut articles about how hunting is awful because it kills
innocent little unarmed deer.  I have no time for that kind of tripe.
For one thing, why is everybody so sure the deer are unarmed?  I mean,
sure they don't carry weapons in plain sight, but neither do your other
hardened criminals.

For all we know, deer have all kinds of rifles and bazookas, stashed
out in the woods, camouflaged in their salt licks.  What would you say
if I told you that many unexplained bazooka murders occur every year
in states that deer are known to frequent?  And what do you make of
the fact that since the FBI began keeping such statistics, no deer
has ever been charged with murder?  Coincidence, you say?  Don't
make me laugh.

In many parts of the country this is the deer-hunting season.  In
fact, the season may already be over for hunters who use bows and
arrows.  They're usually allowed to start early, because no hunter
in recorded history has ever hit a deer, or any other moving object,
with an arrow.  That is why the Indians, who once controlled the whole
country, now control about 95 square feet of North Dakota.


                           Aim for Antlers

But the archers were out there anyway, stalking around, trying to get close
enough to hit a deer with an arrow, which means within nine inches.  The
deer find this immensely amusing.  They sit around their salt licks, snickering
as they polish their bazookas and paw through old copies of "Guns and Ammo"
magazine.

Whether hunters use arrows or guns, they're usually allowed to shoot only
at deer with antlers.  Antlers are the things that grow out of the heads
of male deer.  They look strange, but they actually serve an important
purpose.  At least I assume they serve an important purpose.  They
sure look strange.

Here's an Amazing Deer Fact:  Scientist can tell, simply by counting the
number of points on a deer's antlers, how painful it would be to fall on
them from a great height.

A lot of people got the wrong impression about deer hunters from the
movie "The Deer Hunter."  They came away thinking that all deer hunters
are semi-literate, beer-swilling slobs who eat cold cuts without putting
bread around them and curse a lot and shoot themselves in the head for
money.  This is a gross exaggeration, especially the part about not
using bread.

The truth is that deer-hunting is a peck of woodsy fun.  You should give
it a try.  You'll need a gun.  Guns come in many sizes, which are known
as "gun sizes."  The smallest is the 22-caliber gun size, but you should
not use it because the only way to kill a deer with a 22-caliber bullet is
to put poison on it and get the deer to swallow it.  The best gun size
for deer hunting is the .357 magnum, which can bring down a deer and
whatever building it is hiding in.

Next you'll need some warm, tough boots that snakes can't bite through,
because Lord knows they will try.  You'll also need a warm outfit.
Choose it carefully.  If you look like a deer, the other hunters will
shoot at you; if you look like a hunter, the deer will shoot at you.
Try to choose an outfit that makes you look like somebody both sides
would respect, such as Walt Disney or Albert Schweitzer.

You should have a hunting license.  If you don't, put some money in an
envelope and mail it to the state.  The state licenses activities such
as hunting and hair-cutting, because if it didn't, people would engage
in these activities without giving money to the state.

                           Follow the spoor

Now you're all set to go hunting.  Get up at 2 a.m. and drive a long way
(don't ask me why, dammit, just do it).  When the sun comes up stop the
car and look around for deer spoor.  I'm not sure what deer spoor is,
but you'll know it when you see it.  When you have located a sizable pile
of deer spoor, hunker down on the ground and wait for the deer to come back
(a deer always returns to the scene of its spoor).  Pass the time by
drinking liquor and eating cold cuts.  If you have any extra cold cuts
or liquor, give them to the snakes, and maybe they won't try so hard to
bite through your boots.

When the deer comes back, check to make sure it is unarmed and has
antlers, then shoot it.  If you wound it, you can track it through the
underbrush for dozens of miles by following the trail of blood, although
I can't imagine why you would want to.

Once you have a dead deer, tie it to your car and drive around a
populated area so that ecology nuts can feel superior to you.  If you're
lucky, it will fall off the car, and you'll be done with it.  Otherwise,
you'll end up at home with a dead deer.  If this happens, you can have the
deer butchered, in which case you'll have enough deer meat to last for
many years, because it is inedible.  Or you can take the deer to a
taxidermist.  Just leave it on his doorstep in the dead of night and
run like hell.