Lippard.Multics 1985-11-12 13:40:16 mst Tue
Subject:  Dave Barry Citizenship Quiz
Date:  Tuesday, 12 November 1985 12:24 mst
From:  Charlie Spitzer <Spitzer>
To:  {mbx >udd>m>jjl>misc>misc}

          *-  DAVE BARRY'S ALL-AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP QUIZ -*
                           -by Dave Barry

    I'd like to say a few words about the immigration crisis that has been
caused by all those huddled masses who keep showing up here and yearning to
breathe free without possessing the proper documents.

    First, let us remember that this country was founded by immigrants who
spent months on frail vessels, tossed to and fro upon stormy seas, only to
arrive in a primitive land where they had to hack and claw at the wilderness
with their bare hands to carve out a place where they could build shopping
malls. And immigrants have been coming over ever since: My own grandfather
came to the United States from Cleveland, yet here I am, just two
generations later, fully acclimated to American society, with several major
appliances still under warranty. For the truth is that all of us, if we
trace our family trees back far enough, are immigrants, except of course the
Native Americans, who were already here and thus had to relocate.

    Nevertheless, I am very concerned about the current tidal wave of
immigration. I mean, I'm no bigot or anything, but this particular tidal
wave contains a very different kind of immigrant from our parents and
grandparents. For one thing, our parents and grandparents were related to
us, whereas these new people are not. Also, they pose a serious threat to
our economic system. The way I look at it, our parents and grandparents
didn't come here and work long hours for low pay at menial jobs only to
watch a bunch of newcomers come along and try to wreck the whole system by
working long hours for low pay at menial jobs. You know? Something has to be
done.

    Congress has already taken a stab at solving the problem by passing a
new three-pronged immigration law:

    PRONG ONE: Every person shall henceforth be required to carry proof of
                 U.S. citizenship consisting of either a Sears credit card or
                 a real estate license.

    PRONG TWO: All illegal aliens who came here before the fifth game of the
                 1980 World Series can stay, but they have to quit their jobs.

    PRONG THREE: All other illegal aliens have to wander back to their
                     homelands by 3:30 p.m.

    This is an excellent law, and it will no doubt greatly ease the pressure
on America's congressmen to come up with something to put in their
newsletters other than photographs of themselves inspecting large objects.

    But I think we can do more. What we have here is a golden opportunity:
Since we're going to be kicking people out anyway, why not kick out a lot
more? If you ask me, an awful lot of the legal citizens are totally
unqualified to live here. I think we should all be required to take the
following U.S. Citizenship Quiz, which would measure our knowledge of U.S.
history, civic responsibility, and current events.

                              U.S. CITIZENSHIP QUIZ

1. HISTORY: Who was Alexander Hamilton?
   (The correct answer: A person you had to learn about in roughly ninth
   grade.)

2. LAW: On limited-access highways, the left-hand lane is for (choose one):
   A. Passing
   B. Going along at 55 miles an hour for mile after mile because that's the
      legal speed limit as passed by Congress so you can just stay there and
      go 55 miles an hour as long as you want and nobody should get real
      close behind you and honk and act irritated because you're just going
      the legal speed limit as passed by Congress and anybody who wants to
      go faster would be breaking the law. As passed by Congress.

   (The correct answer is A. Persons picking B would automatically fail and
   be deported via cannon.)

3. CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY: What is the smallest number of ice cubes you can
   leave in a refrigerator ice tray before you should refill the entire tray
   with water?

   (The correct answer is four. My wife will answer "two" and thus possibly
   be deported, but I'm willing to risk that if it teaches her an important
   lesson in responsible citizenship.)

4. CURRENT EVENTS: Which of the following news headlines is false?
   A. "Ghost helps Shirley MacLaine win an Oscar."
   B. "Psychic clown cures arthritis."
   C. "Boy eats fish that was worth $1,000,000."
   D. "Press unit plea on Paraguay ban."
   E. "Dentists can now transplant cows' teeth to humans."
   F. "Blind man trips over guide dog -- sees again."
   G. "54 vampires are living in the U.S."
   (The correct answer, obviously, is D, which comes from the New York Times
   and wouldn't make any sense even if it had a verb. The other headlines
   all come from the Sun, available at supermarkets near you, and are fully
   documented by actual photographs of Shirley MacLaine, a man who would
   like to sell a lot of books about vampires, etc.)

    Anybody who deserves to be a citizen of the United States ought to be
able to answer at least three of these questions correctly. All it takes is
a rudimentary grasp of our culture and the ability to understand that the
answer appears in parentheses after each question. So this would be a fair
way to rid our nation of a great many people, with the only real drawback
being a sharp reduction in bowling-league membership.

    This leads to the question: Where will these people go?  These will be
people whose families have lived here for generations, and we can't just
ship them back to Cleveland. I think our best move would be to send them up
to Canada. The Canadians are desperate for visitors, which is why they're
forever running expensive magazine and television advertisements urging us
to come up and take pictures of elk. Canada is far larger than it needs to
be, and a few dozen million additional permanent residents would never even
be noticed, except when they got in the left-hand lane. Also, Canada is
conveniently close to the United States, so I would be able to visit my
wife.