Lippard.Multics 1985-11-12 13:25:26 mst Tue Subject: Dave Barry on Buying a Home Date: Tuesday, 12 November 1985 12:14 mst From: Charlie Spitzer To: {mbx >udd>m>jjl>misc>misc} Buying a home is no worse than ants biting your eyes. -by Dave Barry Today we have some helpful consumer tips on how to buy a home. If you've ever bought a home, I'm sure you'll agree it can be a very trying experience, although I certainly wouldn't compare it to being eaten alive by ants. I read this book once by famed supermarket author Harold Robbins in which one character becomes angry and buries another character up to his neck in an anthill, and at one point the ants eat his eyelids off, plus he gets extremely thirsty, so I don't want to hear any more of your whining about how trying your home-buying experience was, OK? This is the perfect time to buy a home, because interest rates are down. Or they could be up. The truth is, it doesn't make the slightest difference where interest rates are, because no matter what rate you wind up with, this is how your mortgage will work: Every month, you will send the bank enough money to buy a two-week vacation in Italy including air fare, based upon double-occupancy, and at the end of the year the bank will send you a statement that says you still owe them all the money you ever borrowed. Get yourself a good real-estate agent. All agents go through the same basic training program, which is to teach junior high school for seven years, then suddenly realize that if they stick with it, in another 10 or 14 years they might rise to the rank of assistant principal and make as much money in a year as Frank Sinatra dispenses in coat-check-related tips in a single evening. Make sure your agent is knowledgeable, hard-working and sincerely committed to finding a house that, based on your individual tastes and needs, will result in the largest possible sales commission. This means that if you say the absolute maximum you can possibly afford to spend is $60,000, the agent will take you to a refrigerator carton in a leper colony, and say: "I'm afraid this is the only listing we have left in the $60,000 price range. The other one was just purchased by a family of low-income roaches." Eventually you'll start looking at homes that are more in the agent's desired price range. In the house itself, insist upon examining the electrical system closely with a magnifying glass, pausing from time to time to make disparaging remarks such as: "You call THIS an electrical system?" This will help you drive a hard bargain when you get back to the car and talk "bottom line" with the agent. Here is when you must use certain modern negotiating tactics, such as watching the agent's body language: THE AGENT: Well, I honestly think $126,500 is their firm price, despite the rodent damage. YOU: I notice that after you say that, you turn your head and clap your hand over your mouth and quake with laughter for minutes at a time, and I am frankly wondering if these are not common body language indications that in fact they might be willing to come down in price. THE AGENT: Yes, you have got me there. They have authorized me to accept $126,250. YOU: Fine, we'll take it. No hard feelings, I hope! Before you are allowed to live in your new home, you must participate in the traditional Closing Ceremony, where bank representatives and various lawyers who have wandered in off the street will ask you to sign every document they have been able to cram into their briefcase, including the service warranties on their home appliances. You will also be asked to write a series of random checks to guard against the possibility that you have any money left over after your down payment.