Lippard.Multics 1985-09-22 17:49:17 mst Sun Subject: Vacillator 101 other/other #3, from lwood, 6315 chars, Sat Jul 27 23:27:58 1985 There is/are comment(s) on this message. -------------------------- TITLE: The Last Press Release DADA DATA CORPORATION ALLEGES NEW PRODUCT Dada Data Corporation today announced its qualified intention to release its new Vacillator 101 software product, a decision support system designed to match the decision-making process as it actually exists in most American companies. With its power capability to automatically generate memos, confer, quibble, pass the buck and evade responsibility, the new Dada Data Vacillator 101 could completely computerize and revolutionize American management practices. "I MEET, THEREFORE, I AM." "While it is customary for me to say something about new products, there has not been sufficient time to consider the matter thoroughly," said George Metesky, Veep of Marketing. "Since referring the matter to a committee would take too long, submitting the issue to a consultant seems entirely appropriate," he said. "Today's corporate executive is already barraged with software products he is supposed to need," read the resulting $12,000, leather-bound one-page consultant's report. "There are appointment managers, calendar schedulers, spread-sheet simulators, mathematical modeling packages, materials requirement planning packages, DBMS for idiots, BASIC, terminals with mice, terminals with fleas, terminals for the briefcase, terminals that talk back, file ticklers, French ticklers -- you name it. "But none of these things address the activity that takes up most of the average executive's attention -- the avoidance of responsibility. What's the use of decision support software if the whole idea is to avoid decisions? And for this function, the Vacillator 101 is ideal," the report concluded. POWERFUL POWER Interfacing to Dada Data's long popular QUILL text editing system for scriveners and amanuenses, Vacillator 101 uses the word processing and electronic mail features rumored to be in QUILL to allow its user to evade, delegate, confuse or stall an issue at will. After a certain amount of practice, the average executive should discover that Vacillator 101 is the only software he really needs. In fact, when used correctly, Vacillator 101 should allow the average executive to stop coming to the office entirely. EXAMPLE When first installed, the use only needs to feed Vacillator 101 a list of annoying topics and persons to be avoided, such as "cafeteria automation," "new building," or "that twit in accounting." Then, whenever the system detects an electronic mail memo dealing with a proscribed subject, Vacillator 101 automatically drafts a reply, randomly selecting from a vast range of standard pre-programmed bureaucratic ploys. For instance, the Vacillator might call a meeting to consider the issue, route the offending memo to 400 other executives for comment, delegate the matter to someone else, reply that the suggestion is against corporate policy, or simply say the budget won't allow it. The system's internal calendar will automatically reschedule all meetings at the last moment, or discover a previous commitment that will prevent the user from attending. MULTI-USER VERSION When used with Dada Data's GonzoNet (tm) local network computer communications architecture, Vacillator 101 offers exciting potential in the field of management automation. With Vacillator 101 running in the office of each corporate executive, human executives will be superfluous. All the usual corporate paperwork can be produced without human intervention or the expensive, crony-ridden, top-heavy corporate management structures common today. Instead of the 23 levels of management now common in American companies, Vacillator 101 will allow its users to cut down to the theoretical ideal of 3 or 4 levels -- without any reduction in paperwork flow. HARDWARE Vacillator 101 will run on all Dada Data processors presently in existence or heretofore invented. This includes the long-popular SpellToy secretarial prompter; the Executive ToteByte, a hip-pocket hand-held computer that also holds a gill of refreshment; Dada Data's famous Printer On A Chip; and the QUILL automated office system, with its distinctive air of Victorian charm and unhurried elegance. AVAILABILITY "Do you like what you see. . . ?" asked the voluptuous MIS manager in her low-cut dress, demurely sliding a sale contract in front of the salesman. "Arrrrgh!" gasped the salesman, drunk with greed and desire. He lurched unsteadily toward her. "Ahhh -- I just love polyester!" she sighed as she ran her hands through his pockets. "Please," she whispered hoarsely, "let's go into the back room for some, ah, contract signing." "But I'm so far behind quota, and you're so, so fiscally responsible," whimpered the salesman, pawing at her bulging figure as he tried to grab the sales contract with its bulging figures. She held it out of reach. "No -- one thing first," she said, tearing herself away. "Anything!" sobbed the salesman, growing frantic in his need. "First, you must give me the availability date!" "No!" recoiled the salesman. "Anything but that!" "Just one little date?" she purred, slipping the sales contract closer and closer to him. "No -- I can't!" he sobbed. But already he could feel his resolve draining away.... Dada Data Corporation Dada Data develops, manufactures, markets and supports whatever sells. For details, call up and find someone willing to talk to you. U.S. PRICING Actual pricing heavily depends on the look on the buyer's face at the moment of sale. The following examples provide a guide. BUYER'S DEMEANOR PRICE Violent anger $25 Well-founded arrogance $50 Lawyerly disdain $100 Steely-eyed sneer $200 Comfortable indifference $300 Unfounded arrogance $2,000 Wild-eyed panic $2,500 Cow-eyed confusion $12,387.14 Mindless stare $22,400 Government bureaucrat $38,000 [From the Byte Information eXchange (BIX). -jjl]