Lippard.Multics 1985-01-08 17:09:42 mst Tue Subject: jokes from net.jokes [Some of the following jokes may be offensive to some readers. If you are offended by "dirty jokes", don't read on (there are some clean ones in here, if you want to use that as an excuse for reading them all). -jjl] Date: Tuesday, 8 January 1985 16:25 mst From: Jay C Pattin To: Pattin%HIS-PHOENIX-MULTICS at MIT-MULTICS From: robins@koala.DEC (Life is like an analogy) Subject: SARJokes Wednesday, Dec 26th, 1984 Date: 26 Dec 84 23:26:58 GMT Did You Hear About The farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife so he fired them. Did You Hear About The recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the men who have tried Camels have gone back to women. Did You Hear About The nurse they thought had drowned until they found her under the doc. Did You Hear About The little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home for some money. Did You Hear About The new rule at the girls' school. Lights out by ten, candles by eleven. Did You Hear About The drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed everybody in the joint. Did You Hear She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down too. Did You Hear About The meanest man in the world didn't tell his wife he was sterile until she got pregnant. Did You Hear About The over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle. Did You Hear About The real smart girl who could play post-office all night without getting any mail in her box. Did You Hear About The sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft. Did You Hear You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular. Did You Hear What to do about fall-out, re-insert and shorten strokes. Did You Hear About The new vitamin made from chicken blood, it makes men cocky and women lay better. Did You Hear That Witches don't have babies because their husbands have halloweenies. Did You Hear That The fastest four-handed game in the world is when it slips out. Did You Hear That She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. Did You Hear About The French soldier who kisses both his wife's cheeks before he went to the front. Did You Hear About The fellow who got ten years for pumping ethyl behind the station. Did You Hear About The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed her between the limbs. Did You Hear About The woman who got out of a taxi, and charged the driver five bucks. Did You Hear About The newfie woman who couldn't get pregnant twice because she blew the both of them. Did You Hear That A voyeur's liberation front is being organized and their slogan is "Power To The Peephole". Did You Hear That Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. Did You Hear About The recent survey that showed that the average young bachelor is more interested in high frequency than high fidelity. Did You Hear That A career girl's mind moves her ahead, while a chorus girl's mind moves her behind. Did You Hear That A man who likes to be in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him. Did You Hear About The insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are with young housewives who aren't adequately covered. Did You Hear That Most bachelors prefer girls who believe that children should be seen and not had. Did You Hear About The perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney. Did You Hear About The compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car. Did You Hear About The new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang. Did You Hear About The man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman. Did You Hear About The cynical husband who says it's better to have loved and lost than to have loved and won. Did You Hear About The absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and started chiseling on his wife. Did You Hear About The girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip. Did You Hear About The new instrument of credit especially designed for use in single bars. It's called BANG AMERICARD. Did You Hear About The rumor that the vatican is freezing flavored holy water and selling the product as "Popesicles". Did You Hear About The cynic who claims that "Xerox" never comes out with anything original. Did You Hear About The rumor that Walt Disney Productions is going to remake "Beaver Valley" as a skin flick. Did You Hear About The rumor that an FBI agent who was given task of shadowing a gay liberation leader has been summarily dismissed because he blew his assignment. Did You Hear About The unreconstructed male supremacist who said that if all the women's lib activists were laid end to end, that it would be the best thing that could happen to them. Did You Hear About the girl who was fired from her job in a sperm bank after she became pregnant. They discovered she'd been embezzling. Did You Hear About the existence of a Black Panther-gay lib group known as the African violets. Did You Hear About the poor girl from Appalachia who travelled to the city and made it big in the massage parlor field -- a case of going from rags to rigids. Did You Hear That a new line of bull sperm for use in animal husbandry will be called Elmer's Goo. Did You Hear About the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors. Did You Hear About The swinger who has labelled his little black book "Future Shack". Did You Hear That The difference between a 20-year old prostitute and a 15-year old teeny-bopper is that between 20 dollars and 20 years. Did You Hear About The secretary that got fired because she had one too mini. Did You Hear About The Newfie That Called his girlfriend 'Margarine Legs' because they spread so easily. Did You Hear About How they called the athletes into line at the start of the 100 metres race at the 1980 Moscow Olympics -- On Your Marx. Did You Hear About The Newfie That Married a negress so his children could have chocolate milk. Did You Hear About The Newfie That Backed off the bus because he thought someone would grab his seat. Did You Hear About The Newfie That Put his hat on his head in the john, so he would know what end to wipe. Did You Hear About The newfie catastrophe, an outhouse burnt down and left forty homeless. Did You Hear About The Newfie Who thought bees hum because they don't know the words. Did You Hear About The Newfie Who went flyfishing and came home with a seven pound bluebottle. Did You Hear About The Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese children. Did You Hear The report that the leading manufacturer of imported vibrators is a Japanese firm that now calls itself Genital Electric. Did You Hear About The absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing his whatchamacalit. Did You Hear That The Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization in the world from which a man resigns when be becomes a member in good standing. Did You Hear About The nymphomaniac teenager who was popularly known as Little Often Annie. Did You Hear About The old gentleman who had a massive stroke -- it is what made him popular at Sun City orgies. Did You Hear About The ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted. Did You Hear That The only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears. Did You Hear About The wild office Christmas party in a completely automated company -- the computer got drunk and tried to undo the electric typewriter's ribbon. Did You Hear About The fellow who decided to start procrastinating but never got around to it. Did You Hear About The fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt. Did You Hear About The Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found she was six months pregnant. Did You Hear About the rumor that Disneyland plans to promote a bumper sticker reading, DO A MOUSE A FAVOR: EAT A PUSSY! Did You Hear About the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as Secretariat -- not because she's a good secretary but because she's a wonderful mount. Did You Hear About the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because he wanted to transcend dental medication. Did You Hear About the not too bright mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed. Did You Hear That David of the Bible was nothing but a young man who used leather to get his rocks off. Did You Hear About the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended up a chopped libber. Did You Hear That those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male version -- with nuts of course. Did You Hear About the Happy Hooker's next book will be called "The Hollander Tunnel". Did You Hear That a new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples is to be called Genitalia. Did You Hear About the Biblical straight-arrow who lived life as if there were no Gomorrah. Did You Hear About the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex education when she heard the final exam would be oral. Did You Hear About the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe. Did You Hear About the practical young miss who bought a negligee with fur around the hemline to keep her neck warm. Did You Hear About the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator off. Did You Hear About The Newfie who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that he'd never be able to face his girl again. Did You Hear About the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride. Did You Hear About an inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose a lot more than letters behind the files. Did You Hear About the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and demanded a salary on next week's advance. Did You Hear About the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea. Did You Hear About the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local sailors. Did You Hear About the bright young student who was awarded a full scholarship to the college of his choice -- it paid for tuition, books, and bail money. Did You Hear About the freeloving secretary who says two martinis usually make her feel like a new man. Did You Hear About the aging ingenue who thinks the best way to keep her youth is never to introduce him to other girls. Did You Hear About the horny Eskimo who visited an Anchorage brothel and requested a nose job. Did You Hear About the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the delinquency of a major. Did You Hear About the ingenious doctor that prescribed sex for insommia. His patients didn't get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake. Did You Hear About the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films -- the hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure which end it will be. Did You Hear About the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This Space". Did You Hear About the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to go up on him. Did You Hear About the new breakfast cereal called Queerios. You simply add milk and they eat each other. Did You Hear About the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he lost his ball bearings. Did You Hear About the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin. Did You Hear About the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along. Did You Hear That the ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria" Did You Hear That acupuncture fees in China are so modest that they're referred to as pin money. Did You Hear About the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce. Did You Hear That the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians". Did You Hear About the man who broke his nose in amorous circumstances. He was making love to his wife doggy style and she suddenly ran under the bed. Did You Hear That bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years. Did You Hear About an establishment near Parliament in our nation's capital that caters to kinky tastes. There's a House whip in attendance, of course. Did You Hear About the jealous black activist who suspected that his wife was involved in some honkie-panky. Did You Hear That the first aphrodisiac-laxative is about to hit the market -- under the name Easy Come, Easy Go. Did You Hear About the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the wrong foot. Did You Hear About the nun who was two monks behind in her period. Did You Hear About the female lab technician who has asked to be transferred from a genetics-research project because the horny director keeps trying to get into her genes. Did You Hear About an entrepreneur whose idea is to set up weight-guessing stands in singles bars. It could be referred to as a weigh-a-lay plan. Did You Hear About the poor fellow whose unfortunate pissing trajectory earned him the nickname Tinkletoes. Did You Hear About the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly accommodating girls. He refers to it as his blew book. Did You Hear About the marriage of the dipsomaniac and the nymphomaniac. it was nip and f--k all the way. Did You Hear About the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book. Did You Hear That the pretty lab technicians in busy sperm banks are dometimes asked to lend a hand. Did You Hear That some independent skin-flick producers are combining to form a major studio to be known as 20th Century-Fux. Did You Hear That anal sex is a bum trip. Did You Hear About the Army noncom who has stripes tattooed on his penis so he could pull rank. Did You Hear About the latest word on the male-grooming front is that a brand-new pubic shampoo is to be called Head and Boulders. Did You Hear About an operatic soprano and her symphony-harpist boyfriend who have developed a high degree of artistic empathy, she humming his parts while he fingers her passages. Did You Hear About The Newfie girls that are using hockey pucks instead of tampons because they generally last for three periods. Did You Hear That some experimental botanist has developed a strain of marijuana with aphrodisiac properties that he calls TUMBLEWEED. Did You Hear That the Ku Klux Klan, in an effort to keep up with the times, is considering changing its name to the White Muslins. Did You Hear That the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way. Did You Hear That orthopedist have reported the appearance of a new occupational disease epidemic to massage parlors. It's called penis elbow. Did You Hear About the Las Vegas high roller who would flip his nightly callgirl to see if he got head or tail. Did You Hear About the porno film that outgrossed its competitors. Did You Hear About the new breakfast cereal called Porn Flakes that goes "Snatch! Nipple! Crotch!" Did You Hear About one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off. Did You Hear That the Fire Island Deli is featuring a special submarine sandwich this season. Naturally, it's mostly tongue. Did You Hear That one enterprising sperm bank is planning to distribute its product in aerosol dispensers. It's to be called Heirspray, of course. Did You Hear About the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent -- except on Palm Sunday. Did You Hear About the guy who shot his wad in Las Vegas but didn't have time to stay around and try his luck in the casinos. Did You Hear About the sweet young journalism-school graduate who quit when she found out that the house organ she'd been hired to work on was attached to the editor. Did You Hear About The Newfie who thought his wife would look good in something long and flowing, so he pushed her into the Mississippi River. Did You Hear About the high school drum major who dated two of his majorettes and so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers. Did You Hear About the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling. Did You Hear That Carte Blanche plans to issue a specialty card for swingers -- to be called Charge d'Affaires. Did You Hear About the girl who left the promotional orgy at the Sex Device Manufacturers' Convention with a vague feeling of unease. She didn't know what was eating her. Did You Hear About the girl who applied for a job as a night-deposit box in a sperm bank. Did You Hear That the trademark people in Washington are in a quandary over an application from an electrified-dildo manufacturer to register the term Good Vibes. Did You Hear About the semiliterate streetwalker who unwittingly approached a plainsclothesman. Her proposition ended with a sentence. Did You Hear That some supermarkets are now selling six-packs of whipped cream -- in case you're going to an orgy. Did You Hear About the desperate fellow with the frigid wife who bought a water bed and filled it with antifreeze. Wed 26-Dec-1984 18:17 Never eat anything bigger than your head