Lippard.Multics 1985-01-06 21:53:26 mst Sun
Subject:  Getting the Lead Out
		GETTING THE LEAD OUT
		And other notable achievements
		of the television commercial art

		By Dave Barry
		(Arizona magazine supplement to the Arizona
		Republic, 01/06/85)

  I would like to nominate, as the Best Overall Advertisement of 1984,
the television commercial in which Getty Oil announces it will no
longer sell you leaded gasoline.  This could well be the greatest
advertising achievement since the folks at McDonald's, seeking a slogan for a
restaurant chain where the employees don't wait on your table, don't cook food
to your order and don't clear your table, came up with: "We do it all for
you."
  The Getty commercial is a wonderful illustration of the basic TV advertising
philosophy, namely: "In terms of intelligence, the only difference between a
person watching a television commercial and a dead frog whose brain has been
removed is that a dead frog whose brain has been removed has enough sense not
to watch television commercials."  I mean, the whole point of the Getty
commercial, when you get right down to it, is to kiss off a bunch of
customers.  If you had to do this, you'd probably come up with a sniveling,
apologetic commercial like "We regret to inform you..." etc.
   But not the folks at Getty.  They put out this triumphant commercial where
they show you a large bridge swooping across a photogenic gorge, and, while
whistlers whistle the theme from "Bridge Over the River Kwai" in the
background, a windswept announcer shouts, with great pride in his voice, that
Getty's leaded gas customers can go bite a brick.  Behind him, cars and
trucks, hundreds of them, are driving across the bridge, as if the citizens in
the surrounding towns and villages just heard the good news, and they all ran
from their homes shouting "Hooray!  We can't buy leaded gas from Getty any
more!  Let's go form a traffic jam over the gorge!"
   So all I can say is:  Great commercial, Getty Oil!  I salute you with a
familiar arm gesture.
   Moving along to our other advertising achievement nominations, in the
category of Best Use of a Helicopter to Sell Cigarettes, I would like to
nominate the folks who bring us the magazine advertisements for Winstons.
These advertisements consist of dramatic action photographs of a helicopter
and two or three virile males; sometimes the helicopter hovers in the
background while the males engage in a rugged mountainside activity, and
sometimes the males are in the helicopter.  It's not clear what any of this
has to do with Winston cigarettes.  Maybe the males are having a conversation
like this:
  FIRST MALE:  God, I feel so virile, flying around in this helicopter!  I
think I shall smoke a Winston cigarette!
  SECOND MALE:  Not in the helicopter, Dayton!  You might ignite the fuel
tanks and singe our hair!
  FIRST MALE:  You're right, Prentiss!  We had best land on the butte before
we smoke our Winston cigarettes!
  SECOND MALE:  Perhaps the Marlboro Man will join us again!  I hope he wears
his chaps!
  In the category of Best Effort to Get You to Put Your Financial Future in
the Hands of a Department Store, I would like to nominate the commercial where
Hal Holbrook tells you in an extremely sincere voice, similar to the one he
used when he was Mark Twain, that Sears is now a major financial institution.
Don't get me wrong here:  I like Sears.  It's the first place I go when I need
underwear, or a rubberized boat.  But I find myself wondering:  Who will Sears
put in charge of my financial affairs?  Will they re-train those excess
salesmen who are always lurking in the major-appliance department, wearing
polyester sportcoats and drumming their fingers on the washing machines,
looking as though at any second they're going to lunge out at you and take an
impression from your credit card?  What kind of financial advisers would this
people make?  I'd be worried that all my assets would wind up in the form of
maintenance agreements.
  Finally, we have the category Best Use of Common People to Sell Something.
Usually this nomination goes unchallenged to the people who make Topol tooth
polish, for their dual achievement of (1) finding people who smoke more than a
pack of cigarettes a day yet are primarily concerned about the color of their
teeth; and (2) teaching them to talk.  This year I am going to nominate the
commercial used by every candidate running for office in the United States.
You have seen this commercial:
  (The commercial opens with a scene showing the candidate, in shirt sleeves
and with his tie loosened, standing in a little knot of common people, at
least one of whom is black.)
  ANNOUNCER:  Ed Flask is not afraid to roll up his sleeves and frown
concernedly at people in little interracial knots in TV studios.  Also, he has
two children and a wife who has been on a horrible diet of grapefruit rinds
for six months so she would look like an attractive political wife instead of
the Houston Astrodome.  Isn't that really the kind of congressman we need in
whatever congressional district this is?
  ED FLASK:  I'm Ed Flask.  And I think it's time somebody stood up for you
senior citizens.
  OFF-CAMERA VOICE:  That's the black person, Ed!
  FLASK:  What?
  OFF-CAMERA VOICE:  You're not supposed to be frowning concernedly at the
black person when you say that.  You're supposed to be frowning concernedly at
the senior citizen.
  FLASK:  Well, tell her to wheel herself over here, dammit!
  OFF-CAMERA VOICE:  Okay, let's roll it.
  FLASK:  I'm Ed Flask, and I think it's time somebody stood up for you senior
citizens.
  SENIOR CITIZEN:  Why should I buy any product that doesn't shrink
hemorrhoidal tissues?
  OFF-CAMERA VOICE:  No no NO, Mrs. Johnson!  That's the OTHER commercial!
  FLASK:  I think we should use the one who can't talk, like last time.
  ANNOUNCER:  Vote for Ed Flask.  Let's send somebody to Washington who will
buy a condominium in the Maryland suburbs.