Date: Tuesday, 6 November 1984 14:56 mst From: James J. Lippard Subject: Miscellaneous Digest V3 #34 Reply-To: {mbx >udd>Multics>Lippard>misc>misc} To: {list >udd>Multics>Lippard>misc>misc} Miscellaneous Digest Volume 3 : Issue 34 Today's topics: computer care New York baboon hearts/junk mail ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Delivery-Date: 6 November 1984 11:04 mst Date: Tuesday, 6 November 1984 11:03 mst From: Charlie Spitzer Subject: I found this on the Zephyr BBS in Phoenix Msg # 3 From: GENE WILLIAMS Title: Computer Care - 1 Date: 11-04-84 Time: 02:13:55 TAKING CARE OF YOUR COMPUTER (part 1) I've started work on the third book in a series of books on computer maintenance and repair. During the research for these books I had to go through a number of manuals, and talk to quite a few people involved in the field. When I first got into computing I had the usual reaction when it came to thinking about fixing a malfunction. FEAR! I was under the impression that a computer is complex, requiring years of training and experience to understand its inner workings. If something DOES go wrong, chances are good that you can fix it yourself. All it really takes is a bit of time and a bit of thought. Most of the problems come from simply not taking care of your computer. You can prevent about 90% of all malfunctions by taking a few easy steps. The key is prevention. Take care of things BEFORE they happen and you'll have far fewer problems with your computer system. When was the last time you cleaned the disk drive heads of your computer? Or vacuumed out the inside of your printer. Or given your computer a snack of chips and DIP (switches)? At this point it might be appropriate to mention some of the differences between the various computers and to bring up some information that is not generally released to the public. There are some minor differences between the various makes. IBM is a huge corporation - the largest computer-type company in the world. It is company policy for the employees to do little things, such as to dress well, even if you're about to crawl inside one of their mainframes. This attitude has reached through into the design of their computers. Consequently, the IBMs have a tendency to have a "holier than thou" attitude. So, you don't dare spill an ordinary Coke or Pepsi down the keyboard of an IBM. Your computer will feel insulted and is almost certain to go into a temper tantrum pout and malfunction. When spilling things inside the IBM machines, be sure to use nothing by high quality champagne - preferably imported. That way you let your computer know that you care, and that you understand that the IBM comes from a higher society than other computers. The Commodore computers, on the other hand, come from a nautical background (hence the name). While the Commodores aren't offended by spilled Coke, they much prefer a good, hearty beer. Better yet, toss some foamy ale into the keyboard, or perhaps a bottle of rum (accompanied by a loud, "Yo ho ho"). Commodore computers are also known to be somewhat partial to a thick butter sauce, especially when it has just a touch of garlic in it. If you happen to own one of the earlier Commodores, or any of the special "Official Commodore Diskette"s, sniff carefully and you'll smell the garlic. It was used to lubricate both the mechanical parts of the computer and to provide a nice, slick surface for the diskettes. They had to abandon this practice, however. After a few months the end users were complaining that certain parts of the computer were being covered with mold, and that the odor was getting to be a bit much. Worse yet were the users who were fat. They reported difficulty in operating the computer since they had the constant and overwhelming desire to eat their computers and software. Now, Apple computers weren't named "Apple" out of the blue. The original designer of the Apple circuitry was named Johnny. He would walk around the garage by the hour, reaching into his pockets and tossing tiny seeds at everyone in sight. The common story is that Apple moved out of that garage and into a larger building because the company was growing so quickly. Actually it was because a veritable orchard was busting through the concrete of the garage floor. Johnny's influence continues to this day. If your Apple II or II+ is acting up, try rubbing some sliced apple over the keyboard and across the motherboard. If this doesn't take care of the problem, it's possible that you have worms. Well, not YOU necessarily. But your computer might have them. The easiest way to get rid of apple worms is to pare out the CPU, blend in a bit of cinnamon and brown sugar, and then bake at 375 for an hour. The IIe was Apple's attempt to break free of Johnny's influence. The idea was to make it possible to carry out normal maintenance and repair without having to slice fresh apples. They attempted to get all the apples out, but only managed to reduce it to using apple puree, or even apple sauce. For a memory problem, for example, with the II or II+ you have to rub in whole, fresh apples. With the IIe you need only open the cabinet, pour in 16 ounces of apple sauce and stir it around. Another advantage with the IIe is that no baking is required. With the Lisa they made one more attempt to get away from fruits. One day while playing Fifi, the engineer stumbled into a room just above the fireplace and met a cute little thing by the name of - you guessed it - Lisa! The original Lisa was apparently from the Black Forest, and quite a frau she was! All 512 pounds of her, and willing to let anything at all be plugged in. Hence the idea of building a "powerful" computer. Their only problem was that Lisa had a fondness for apfel strudel. Repair and maintenance of the Lisa by the end user is confined to the strudel, a pint of dark beer, and perhaps a shot of schnaps poured carefully over the serial port. Beyond that, Lisa is far too powerful and experience for handling by the average person. Msg # 4 From: GENE WILLIAMS Title: CC - part 2 Date: 11-04-84 Time: 02:17:23 Computer Care - part 2 Apple finally realized that they couldn't get the seeds out of the Apple, which is why they came back with the Macintosh. The attempt was to at least get a better, more edible, variety going. To help keep out the worms, they made the cabinet so that a special tool is required just to open it. (Sounds kinda like Lisa, doesn't it?) The best method is to load a squirt gun with some official "Apple Juice" (part # BN-CXZ4-143L97W12-M - $23.95 per ounce) and place a few well-aimed spurts through the drive doors. Many people are under the false impression that TRS stands for "The Radio Shack." Actually it is an acronym for "Truly Reliable Sh@%." End result - you won't have to worry too much about fixing the thing. When you do, keep in mind that the TRS series is built for the common man. Nothing fancy is required. A simple Jumbo Jack will do it nicely. Quite often if the disk drive fails, all you have to do is to place the beef patty from a regular burger (with cheese or secret sauce, if you also need lubrication) in the disk drive and boot up. (Some people report that the beef patties are more reliable for storage of important programs than are standard diskettes.) Keeping your computer clean is important. This is especially true of the drives. There is a mistaken belief that all you need to keep everything working right is to use one of the very expensive drive cleaning kits. These kits are fine for cleaning the head (and there won't be a funny man in a rowboat shouting at you), but they completely ignore the fact that dust is one of the major enemies of anything mechanical. Instead of trying to clean the head only, take the entire computer into the shower with you. If the read/write functions have been sluggish, you might consider a long hot soak, followed by a lengthy alcohol rub. (Be very careful that you don't become emotionally involved during this. There is also the danger of the Maricopa Sheriff's Office busting you for running an illicit computer massage parlor. Rumor had it that a BBS was busted for having things on that BBS that shouldn't be there. Actually, the real reason was . . . well, YOU figure it out.") This is fine for cleaning the computer and drives. Obviously anyone with the tiniest bit of intelligence will realize that it's certainly no way to clean a printer. I mean, who in their right mind would take a printer into the shower with them? Yet, printers tend to get dirtier than any other part of the computer system. Paper dust can build up and jam (and jelly) the mechanism. DO NOT blow into the printer. If you do this, it will follow you anywhere from then on. Even vacuum cleaning the inside of the printer is risky. You just never know how the printer will interpret that. To save yourself emotional grief, when the printer needs a cleaning pull it outside, preferably by dragging it by its power cord. Be rough - be firm - and your computer will respect you. Once it's outside, get out the garden hose and spray it down. Better yet, set the printer down and open a fire hydrant on it. The water pressure will bounce the printer along the ground. This guarantees that all parts will be cleaned. Cleaning of the head itself can be accomplished in any of several ways. For a light cleaning you can use alcohol. (Keep in mind that the IBM thinks that it's high society. Use only imported champagne or 12-year-old scotch. In any case, use the alcohol sparingly, or your computer might give you some bizarre read/write errors until it sobers up. Plenty of black coffee might help speed the cure up if this happens.) For heavier cleaning jobs, the military has been using industrial strength cleansers for cleaning heads for years. Quite often this is used in conjunction with a scrub brush or a thing called a "johnny mob." (Note: It was NOT invented by Apple.) If this doesn't work, a rotary sander or automotive body grinder will surely remove any build-up. A chisel and hammer might also come in handy. Monitors rarely needs any attention unless they start showing reruns. There's nothing that can be done for this sit- uation, unfortunately. All you can do is to sit back and get bored until it's all over. Worse is the monitor that begins to monitor YOU. This is a sure sign that you've been too gentle. As with printers, the monitor has to be treated roughly to keep its respect. But, where the printer becomes excessively affectionate (such as pulling your face close to it by wrapping your hair in the platen), the monitor merely spies on you. And you never know who it will tell. As a precaution, never do anything you don't want others to know about if the monitor is near. And keep a stick handy at all times in case it gets out of line. Obviously don't take the monitor into the shower with you. It's bound to let everyone know just how big a liar you've been all these years. Once each week be sure to give the monitor a good, solid kick. This not only helps to show the monitor who is boss, but keeps the phosphors on the screen shaken up so they can provide a clear image. (The monitor works by a stream of electrons getting the particles of phosphor excited. No wonder the monitor is always so grouchy!) ------------------------------ Date: Tuesday, 6 November 1984 14:47 mst From: James J. Lippard Subject: New York This and the next message are from the Gloria Quotes List (excerpted from mail forwarded by Jon Rochlis). Office: (412) 578-7555 (WeH 8218) 2nd Year CS Graduate Student Home: (412) 421-2970 (5922 Phillips Avenue) Research: Parallel Architectures (Z. Segall), LRP (E. Clarke) Supercomputer Workbench Project Occupation: I am Tony's friend. *********************************************************** New York, New York, ... "A guy came here and bought a Z -- $25,000. He went right out and hit a pole. Totalled the car, but didn't get hurt. He doesn't want to be without a car for the weekend. So he's buying another car today. What other place in the world?" --Just another day at Manhattan Datsun, the last car dealer on Broadway NYT 11/5/84 **==> That was David Black's plan file. ------------------------------ Date: Tuesday, 6 November 1984 14:48 mst From: James J. Lippard Subject: baboon hearts/junk mail Office: WeH 8307 Phone: X3617 Project: Temporal logic State Of Mind: Confused ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: wolit@rabbit.UUCP (Jan Wolitzky) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Re: Baboon Heart in Human My wife says that the reason it took so long before this technique was attempted is because it's real hard to find a baboon who's been left brain-dead from a motorcycle accident, and even harder to get its family to sign the release papers... -- Jan Wolitzky, AT&T Bell Laboratories, Murray Hill, NJ; (201) 582-2998 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: inc@fluke.UUCP (Gary Benson) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Dave Barry : 12/14 : Junk Mail -12th in a series of 14- *- J U N K M A I L -* -By Dave Barry [Reprinted without permission from the Minneapolis TV Dispatch column, "Foolin' Around", Dec. 19, 1982.] (EDITOR'S NOTE: This column appears at first to be about the Postal Service, but may actually be about the neutron bomb. It's hard to tell). I am all for the nine-digit Zip Code and the 18-cent stamp. In fact, I think the Postal Service ought to go even farther: let's have a 15-digit zip code and $4.50 stamp. Let's make it virtually impossible to send mail. I hate getting mail anyway. Apparently, my name is on a computerized mailing list entitled, "People With Extremely Small Brains", and as a result I get mainly two kinds of mail: -Announcements Announcing Contests Somebody Else Will Win: "Mr. Barry, we are please to announce that you have been chosen as a semifinalist in the Lucky Sweepstakes, and may already have won 11,000 head of cattle and a Korean servant family." -Investment Opportunities for Morons: "This rare opportunity to purchase a finely-crafted, individually- registered investment collection of Early American Colonial Jellied Candies is being made available only to residents of North and South America, and will not be repeated unless someone actually takes us up on it." I have learned to recognize this kind of mail from the envelopes which always have gimmicky statements designed to arouse my curiosity ("If you do not open this envelope immediately, you will never see your children again.") So I usually throw the envelopes away without opening them. But this doesn't work: The junk-mail companies have armies of workers who comb through everybody's garbage at night, retrieve their announcements, and put them right back in the mail. We could solve this problem if we all bought portable blowtorches. We could stroll up to our mailboxes, open the doors, and incinerate everything inside. Or for a more efficient approach, the Postal Service could buy larger blowtorches and incinerate everybody's mail right at the post offices. Ideally, the Postal Service could buy larger blowtorches and incinerate the junk-mail companies directly, but this is probably illegal. The only problem with the incineration plan is that it would also destroy the occasional piece of actual mail. I got a piece of actual mail the other day, from the White House. It was signed by a machine that had learned how to reproduce the signature of of Anne Higgins, Director of Presidential Correspondence, and it said, "On behalf of President Reagan, I would like to thank you for your message and to let you know he appreciates the time you have taken to send in your views. They have been fully noted." This letter troubles me greatly, because I never sent any views to the White House. This means the White House now possesses somebody's views masquerading as mine, and what is worse, has fully noted them, whatever that means. I guess they have a machine in the White House basement that fully notes views at a high rate of speed, then tells Ann Higgins signature machine to shoot out a thank-you letter. Now here's my problem: I recently acquired a view that I would like to send to the White House, only I'm afraid it won't be fully noted, because they probably have some rule about how many views will be noted per citizen per year. So I want the person who used my name to send in his view to now use his name to send in my view, and we'll be even. My view concerns the neutron bomb, which at the Pentagon's urging, President Reagan recently decided to build, and which would eventually be deployed in Western Europe. The neutron bomb is a nuclear device that kills people without destroying buildings. Many people feel this is inhumane; they much prefer the old-fashioned humane-type nuclear devices that kill people and destroy buildings. Western Europe's reaction to the neutron bomb has been mixed: most buildings are for it, and most people are against it, on the grounds that it might kill them. They're always wallowing in sentiment, those Western Europeans. Anyway, here's my view: I think we should develop the neutron bomb, but instead of using it to defend a bunch of ungrateful people with un-American views, we should keep it to ourselves. All we have to do is modify the design so that instead of leaving buildings alone and destroying people, it leaves buildings and people alone but destroys third-class mail. This would save the country billions of dollars in blowtorch fuel alone. -- Gary Benson ms232e -*- John Fluke Mfg Co -*- Box C9090 -*- Everett WA 98206 USA {microsoft,allegra,ssc-vax,sun,sb1}{decvax,ihnp4,tektronix!uw-beaver}!fluke!inc +- Paid for by the Tirebiter for Political Solutions Committee, Sector R -+ **==> That was Michael Browne's plan file. ------------------------------ End of Miscellaneous Digest ***************************