Date: Monday, 20 August 1984 20:59 mst From: James J. Lippard Subject: Miscellaneous Digest V3 #25 Reply-To: {mbx >udd>Multics>Lippard>misc>misc} To: {list >udd>Multics>Lippard>misc>misc} Miscellaneous Digest Volume 3 : Issue 25 Today's topics: *** Special Info-COBOL Issue *** please add me to your mailing list Weight lossage "... but honest, my dog ate them.... really" Bad Guys ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sender: ALAN at MIT-MC Date: Monday, 13 August 1984 16:57 mst From: Info-COBOL-Request at MIT-MC Subject: please add me to your mailing list Date: Mon 13 Aug 84 11:11:03-PDT From: Mimi Recker Re: please add me to your mailing list I have added you to the list. Date: 13 Aug 1984 1445 PDT From: Ron Tencati Re: Mailing List Please delete user EPS from your mailing list. This person is no longer employed at JPL. Thank you, Ron Tencati, Sys. Mgr. JPL-VLSI Vax Deleted as you request. I'm sure all of 300 or so people on Info-COBOL are relieved to see that I have finally gotten around to performing my administrative duties. It is indeed unfortunate that the vital task of keeping this mailing list up-to-date has to rest on the shoulders of a starving graduate student. But as you are all aware, our budget does not permit us the necessary bureaucracy of executives, administrators, apple polishers, personnel officers, lawyers, yes-men, clerks, managers, salesmen, marketing strategists, drones, stenographers, vice presidents, keypunch operators, stooges, elves, fairies, consultants, and their friends and relations. In an attempt to streamline this aspect of our COBOL development project, some new procedures for mailing list maintenance are to be instituted: All applications for mailing list additions, deletions, address changes, etc. are to be submitted in quadruplicate. One copy to be sent to Info-COBOL-Request, one copy to be CC'd to the Info-COBOL list as a whole, one copy to be forwarded to SF-Lovers, and a fourth copy mailed separately to "[NUL:INFO COBOL]" at MIT-MC. Requests must be signed by the author, initialed by the author's arpanet liaison, notarized, sealed in wax, blessed by the pope, and accompanied by a note from a French police official. All applications -must- include the following information: Full name, arpanet address, other mailing lists the author receives, arpa contract number, number of free disk blocks on the author's machine, mailing address, telephone number, time of day in GMT, current phase of the moon, author's current phase, Dave Moon's current phase, social security number, three bank references, and a complete list of the author's record collection. Applications adhering to the outlined procedure will be punched on paper tape and stored in a shoebox on my refrigerator until I get around to them. Applications adhering to the old standard (where a copy is ONLY sent to Info-COBOL-Request) will be dealt with promptly. Applications adhering to any foreign substances will be sealed in plastic and shipped to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta. Alan Bawden, Sys. Mgt. MIT-MC PDP-10 ------------------------------ Date: Sunday, 12 August 1984 16:03 mst From: Richard Mlynarik Subject: Weight losssage. From `People weekly' magazine, 23 July, 1984 The best way to lose weight, author John Bear maintains, is to create unbrearable consequences for staying fat. While writing `The Blackmail Diet,' to be published next month, Bear tested the lose-or-else method on himself. Setting a goal of shedding pounds, the 255-pound author put $5000 in escrow and arranged to donate it to the American Nazi Party if he didn't punt the poundage in a year. Bear must really abhor Nazis: He lost 76 pounds. Now he's signed a special deal with his publishers. If his weight creeps over 179 pounds, all Bear's royalty checks from `The Blackmail Diet' will go directly to the Ku Klux Klan. [BTW, if I go above 280 pounds in the next week, I promise to become a Symbolics(tm) Marketing Representative(tm)] ------------------------------ Date: Tuesday, 7 August 1984 09:52 mst From: W. Olin Sibert Subject: "... but honest, my dog ate them.... really" Nomination for the Quality of Excuses in Government Award: [From an article in Science (84-08-10) about OSHA and ethylene oxide] Last fall, Representative George Miller (D-California) charged that Leonard Vance, director of the [OSHA] agency's office of health standards, had improperly arranged a meeting with the head of an ethylene oxide trade group. At a congressional hearing, Vance denied the charge and asserted that his subordinate, Robert Beliles, director of risk assesment, had made the appointment. Beliles denied Vance's assertion. Then the industry represemtative, Arlin Vorhess, who was director of corporate safety and health at Union Carbide, the principal supplier of ethylene oxide as a sterilant, wrote in a letter to the committee that he had "called Dr. Vance in my capacity as chairman of the Ethylene Oxide Industry Council.... and asked if I could drop by" when in Washington on 16 June 1983. (Miller attempted to obtain Vance's appointment books, but this spring was told by Vance that his dog had vomited on them and he had thrown them away.) ------------------------------ Date: Saturday, 11 August 1984 17:59 mst From: Wayne McGuire Subject: Bad Guys Redistributed-Date: 12 August 1984 14:09 mst Redistributed-From: David Rogers Redistributed-To: Info-Cobol%MIT-OZ at MIT-MC I discovered yesterday a wonderful little tome (compiled by Robert Singer and just published by Avon) entitled _The Bad Guys' Quote Book_. Following are a few goodies: "I'm no peace creep in any sense of the word." -- Sonny Barger, President, Hell's Angels M. C. "I trust no one, not even myself." -- Joseph Stalin "Keep patting your enemy on the back until a small bullet hole appears between your fingers." -- Joseph Bonanno "If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I just couldn't help myself." -- Adolf Hitler "Always run from a knife and rush a gun." -- Jimmy Hoffa "It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can be physically done, and the other half are doing it." -- Winston Churchill "Don't say yes until I finish talking." -- Darryl F. Zanuck "Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't going to get hit." -- "Joey," hit man "I like to crush their egos." -- Bobby Fischer, age 10, chess master "I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half." -- Jay Gould "I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket." -- Lyndon B. Johnson "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." -- Henry Kissinger "The people of Zaire are not thieves. It merely happens that they move things or borrow them." -- President Mobuto Sese Seko "Trust is good, but control is better." -- Feliks Dzerzhinski, founder of Soviet Cheka, now the KGB "We want to clean out the pigsty, get rid of the pigs, and get our own snouts into the trough." -- Ernst Rohm, storm trooper "Take that, you dirty son of a bitch." -- Mike Genna's dying words as he kicked a stretcher bearer in the face "Yeah, sure, now beat it." -- Sam Giancana, to an evangelist who asked if he was a Christian "If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang them." -- Cardinal Richelieu "When I want to buy up any politicians, I always find the anti-monopolists the most purchasable. They don't come so high." -- William Henry Vanderbilt "Academic freedom can get you killed." -- Spiro T. Agnew "You subpoena me and you're going to get a big fat fucking surprise." -- Frank Sinatra, to Edward Olsen, then Chairman, Nevada State Gaming Board. "Oh well, maybe they have guitars and bitchin' cars in Heaven." -- Charles Schmid, "the Tucson Murderer," on being sentenced to death ------------------------------ End of Miscellaneous Digest ***************************