Date: Wednesday, 25 April 1984 16:16 mst From: James J. Lippard Subject: Miscellaneous Digest V3 #11 Reply-To: {mbx >udd>Multics>Lippard>misc>misc} To: {list >udd>Multics>Lippard>misc>misc} Miscellaneous Digest Volume 3 : Issue 11 Today's topics: Micronesia (from Poli-Sci digest) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wednesday, 25 April 1984 07:31 mst From: James J. Lippard Subject: Micronesia (from Poli-Sci digest) Date: 6 Mar 84 17:11:22 EST From: Seymour Subject: Dave Barry Humor [forwarded by JoSH] What is "Micronesia" anyway? by Dave Barry Delaware County Daily Times I say we all help President Reagan cut government waste. I say we all cheat on our income taxes this year. I mean, let's face it: The reason the government wastes hundreds of billions of dollars is that we give it hundreds of billions of dollars. Even an intelligent organization would have trouble spending that much money usefully; the government can't even come close. So it ends up spending money on things like the Office for Micronesian Status Negotiations. I am serious. According to the Congressional Directory, one of the things the government spends your money on is an office devoted to negotiating the status of Micronesia. I'm not saying the employees are goofing off; I'm sure they get up early in the morning, negotiate the status of Micronesia all day, then come home and collapse. I'm just saying that if they haven't been able to get Micronesia straightened out after all these years, then the hell with Micronesia. Now I know President Reagan has promised to comb through the budget and get rid of everything we don't need except nuclear weapons, but I seriously doubt he'll ever notice the Office for Micronesian Status Negotiations, let alone the International Pacific Halibut Commission. You didn't know we had a halibut commission, did you? Well, we do. It's in Seattle, Washington. When the folks at the halibut commission answer the phone, they say. "Good morning, Halibut Commission." They're just as bold as brass about it. No shame whatsoever. They know Ron will never find out about them, and even if he does, some congressman will claim the halibut commission is vital and therefore needs needs the support of all the taxpayers, including the ones who live in Kentucky and don't even like halibut. And then some other congressman will say, "Well, if you're going to keep the halibut commission, I'm going to keep the Inter-American Tropical Tuna Commission." Before long the budget will be bigger than it was when Ron started to cut it. So let's help Ron out. Let's keep the money out of the government's hands altogether. Let's each claim an extra 30 or 40 dependents on our tax returns this year. We should view it as our patriotic duty, sort of like buying war bonds. Another patriotic thing we can do is send Ron lists of government activities we do not want to pay for anymore. The top item on my list is newsletters from congressmen. The way I see it, we taxpayers have an agreement with our congressmen: we give them 50 or 60 thousand dollars a year each and offices and staffs and travelling expenses and cheap haircuts and subsidized dining rooms and other privileges, and in return they go away for two years. If we valued them or their opinions, we never would have voted to send them away in the first place. The last thing we want them to do is clutter up our mailboxes with accounts of their activities: Dear 647th Congressional District Resident: I'm just taking a minute out from my hectic schedule down here in the nation's capital to let you know that my schedule down here is very hectic. As a member of the House Joint Plumbing Committee's Ad Hoc Subcommittee on Spigots and Drains, I recently went on a two-week special fact-finding mission to Rio de Janeiro. Here's the fact I found: In the Southern Hemisphere, water goes down the drain in a clockwise direction, whereas in the Northern Hemisphere, which includes the 647th Congressional District, water goes down the drain in a counter-clockwise direction. Or else it's the other way around. Next month I plan to go to Argentina to determine which way water goes down the drain there and whether any of this is related to the spread of International Communism. All the best, Congressman Bob Bugpit Here are some other government activities I don't want to pay for anymore: * National weeks and months, as in National Seedless Prune Week or National Faucet Repair Month. * All programs that are administered by people whose titles contain more than three words. Take, for example, the National Science Foundation's Division of Engineering. The Division Director, Physics, could stay, because his title contains just three words. But the Division Director, Division of Polar Programs would be given two weeks to clear out his or her desk and find useful work. And the Executive Assistant, Planning and Evaluation, Biological, Behavioral and Social Sciences would be taken out and shot. ------------------------------ End of Miscellaneous Digest ***************************